


there's always time, on my mind (so pass me by, I'll be fine)

by ichabodcranemills



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Dark Thirteenth Doctor, F/F, F/M, Ghosts, Lack of Communication, Referenced Time War (Doctor Who), Secrets, Telepathic Bond, Thirteen Fanzine (Doctor Who), mentions of past companions, thirteen is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24595108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichabodcranemills/pseuds/ichabodcranemills
Summary: While chasing a ship of space pirates, the Doctor is hit with a weapon that disrupts all sense of time inside of the TARDIS. Forced to confront the ghosts of her past and the lies and secrets of her present, she has to find a way to not lose her friends, or herself.Written for the Thirteen Fanzine Prompt Week
Relationships: The Doctor (Doctor Who) & Companion(s), Thirteenth Doctor & Jack Harkness, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor/Original Female Character(s), Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 122





	1. Space Heist

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was written for the Thirteen Fanzine Prompt Week and each chapter will follow a prompt, but it's a single story. The first prompt is Space Heist.

“Brace yourselves, Fam! We’ve gotta catch them before they can activate hyperspace!”

Hyperspace. Pff. Primitive and reckless space-time travel. But tricky to track with a ship so well shielded as theirs.

The Doctor presses a series of buttons and twists a series of levers on the console. Yaz, Ryan, and Graham hurry to grab on to something before the TARDIS starts to shake, protesting the Doctor’s reckless driving. As she knew the ship would. 

“Can’t have them get away with those Aoelian vibrating crystals!”

Yaz is laughing, Ryan makes a snarky comment about the space pirates and Graham shakes his head at it. It's fine. They were fine. They were having fun.

The Doctor hasn’t screwed this one up yet.

//

After Jack rescued her from the Judoon prison, she assured him she’d come back for the Fam in due time. That she wasn’t traveling alone. That she was fine and that he was welcome to visit.

And she fulfilled her promise. She said nothing about what she learned or what they all experienced on Gallifrey. She told them Ko Sharmus blew the particle in her place. She didn’t talk about the Master, about the abject loneliness and guilt she felt, trapped for all those months in a solitary cell.

They asked her, again and again, if she was fine. She felt the urge to shout at them. To tell them, again, that they asked too many questions. But she did none of that. She took a deep breath. She hugged them all - _never trust a hug, it's just a way to hide your face -_ and told them the bare minimum of the truth that she could.

"It hurt quite a lot. All of it. But I'm with you guys again, and that's what matters."

Sad eyes, waiting for her to elaborate. She didn’t.

"Now, what we need is a real, proper adventure."

That excited the kids. It didn't clear the frown on Graham's face, but he agreed to it anyway.

So now they were chasing space pirates.

//

"Actual pirates. Got a Jolly Roger flag and all, if you get close enough to their ship to see it, what we most certainly want to do," she says, grinning.

“What’s so special about these crystals anyway?” Yaz asks, out of breath from holding herself because of the TARDIS turbulence.

“Aeolian’s singing can vaporize a small planet if sustained for enough time. They rarely do that, I mean, the few ones that are left. But the crystals are a sort of replication tool of their powers. You get yourself a species that can sing loud enough, provide them an Aeolian crystal: planetary disaster on the way.”

“And those pirates will sell the crystals to whoever pays them the highest, no matter how ruthless they are.” Ryan points out.

“Exactly. So let’s go!

The laugh that accompanied that is just a little bit too loud. A little bit off. But it doesn’t matter, because the ship is finally in the TARDIS magnetic field. She could grab it. Steal the crystals back. Throw them into a star. In, out. Easy

Suddenly, a small projectile flies in their direction. So small. Meaningless. Harmless.

So very, very _appropriate._

“Oh, no.”

“Doc?" Graham asks, "What’s the matter?”

“We need to leave. Fast.”

“But the-”

“They've thrown a time disruptor at us."

“What's a time disruptor?”

"It’s a nasty weapon created for the Time War before they realized it was too unreliable to carry if you’re time traveling. I thought they were all gone, but it seems the pirates were able to get one. How could they even...” she stops talking. Not the time to wonder about that.

"What does it do?" Ryan asks.

The Doctor doesn’t stop moving around the console, frenetically pushing coordinates on the TARDIS, while she answers.

"It's something like a stun gun, I guess? It creates micro-tears on the space-time fabric. It’s not so harmful to most machines or species, but it will make a giant mess on a TARDIS. I'll get us out of here in a second, I have to-"

They didn't have a second.

The time disruptor explodes in contact with the TARDIS and the whole world goes black.


	2. Haunted

_Doctor!_

//

_Become Death, Doctor. Become me._

Her fault. She could’ve stopped him without the death particle. She was certainly clever enough to do so. Now he was dead.

Everyone’s dead.

_Doctor, wake up!_

//

Her senses so very slowly come back to her. She's on the TARDIS console. With the Fam. They were chasing space pirates. Of course.

“She opened her eyes, Yaz!" Ryan hovers over her, worry written plainly in his face.

The Doctor lets out a breath of relief. A very small one. They were fine. The same couldn't be said about her. The Fam couldn't see the time so horribly torn around them.

"I've got to get you out of here," she says, face still smashed against the floor.

"Doctor, what happened? You collapsed and the TARDIS-"

"Time disruptor"

The ship fades in and out. Past leaking. Consoles she hadn't seen in centuries, in millennia. Lives she had-

No.

She sits down and shuts her eyes tightly. She's not going to think about that now.

“You three. Earth. 21st century. Now.”

"Doctor…"

"Now!"

The Doctor raises to her feet, patting away Ryan’s hand which comes in her aid. She stumbles towards the console and holds the lever. The TARDIS protests. Not angry though.

The ship is crying.

"Come on, old girl. One jump. Wherever you want."

A hand meets hers as she touches the lever.

_I was going to travel with you forever. Rest of my life._

The Doctor winces and pulls away from it, but there's no one there.

No Donna. Not anymore.

"Doctor, I don't think you're okay."

"I'm not, Yaz. There's temporal chaos happening on my ship."

“So why do you want to take us home? Isn’t it better-”

"Can't have too many people here. Too many timelines. The tears are microscopic now, but every living creature carries their own time, and that drags the fissures around. If by chance they touch one another, they might grow, drag more time in, make it a full rupture."

Just explaining that makes the Doctor want to scream. She rubs her eyes, trying to make the nasty feeling go away, send the time ghosts away, but when she opens her eyes there are angry brown ones staring at her. Big, bossy, inflating brown eyes.

Clara flicks away only a second later, but glimpses of red hair follow. A cloud of blonde curls. Rose’s eyes turned golden.

The Doctor looks away. _None of this is real._

It doesn't silence the voices.

  
  


She ushers the Fam away as soon as the TARDIS lands with a pained sound. Cardiff in 2016. Not ideal, but nothing dangerous.

“If it hurts you, shouldn’t you come with us?”

“Can’t leave the TARDIS alone. The tears will shut themselves in just a few hours. We’ll be fine.”

The Doctor shuts the door before the questions start. In the console room, laughter fills the air. Like ghosts, dozens of them. Like several lifetimes lost forever. 

"Please, stop."

The ghosts don't listen to her. Why should they?

They're all dead.

The console room is where the echoes are the worst, but running away from there doesn't help that much. The configurations of her ship are wrong. Doors opening to nowhere, stairs going up that take her down. Rooms that had no business existing anymore coming to life in front of her.

_Doctor, this time can we lose the bunk beds?_

_No! Bunk beds are cool!_

Missy helped her fix the bookshelves once and there she is, still waiting for him to pass her a chisel.

_You’re hopeless, dear. I obviously meant the octagonal one._

Bill wondered if she should wear a blue or a green dress to the frost fair

_Every choice I make, here and now, can change the whole future._

“Exactly like every day of your life.”

Bill looks up, holding the two dresses. _Not at me, at him. Past me._

But she smiles and it's like she's there. For the first time in this body, the Doctor begins to cry.

She cries, her face soaked in tears as she runs, but the voices don’t stop and the ghosts follow. All that past. 

_I carry them with me_.

All that love.

_And I can always see you._

All that pain.

  
  


Her TARDIS is a haunted house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The TARDIS as a haunted house was inspired [by this amazing art! ](https://aelizel.tumblr.com/post/618135717920620544/headcanon-the-masters-current-tardis-sustained)


	3. “What happened to your promise?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan has always been the one who’s best at understanding her. The one most like her. That's a very dangerous thing to be. The sooner he's far from her, the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third prompt was “What happened to your promise?” and the Doctor takes a dark turn here. It will get worse before it gets better, sorry!

It takes three days for the effects of the time disruptor to pass. She leaves the TARDIS to go look for the Fam and finds them in a cafe nearby, worried sick about her. 

They circle her, drowning all her relief under their questioning.

_What happened, Doctor? Are you okay, Doctor? Will you tell us what happened, Doctor?_

"I'll drop you off in Sheffield," it's all that can get through her strained throat.

Yaz puts a very gentle hand over hers.

"You can't do that, Doctor."

The Doctor is frayed. Tired. She's been hearing ghosts calling that name for three days that felt like a lifetime. There's no room for gentleness anymore.

"I can. And I will."

_I can do whatever I want._

The words remind her of a time when she was tall, lanky, and wore a pinstriped suit. When he thought the time laws were his to bend. There had been some rough learning after that, but she doesn't want to be the Time Lord Victorious now.

She just wants silence.

"Doctor-"

"That's enough," her voice is laced with cold, silent cruelty "I want you off my ship."

Yaz takes a step back as if she had been slapped. A dreadful silence spreads over the three humans. The Doctor doesn’t care, she punches in the coordinates and takes off, considering how she’ll dismiss any other protest from them, but none come. Yaz turns to Graham expecting he’ll say something, but is Ryan who takes the lead.

"I don't know what you saw or felt, Doctor, but it's not our fault."

She stares at Ryan, who stares back. It's a tug of war between his desire to help and her need to push the pain deeper into herself. But she's been playing for far longer than him.

"I'm not blaming you." 

"It's that what you do when you're in pain? Hurt those who care about you?"

He has always been the one who’s best at understanding her. The one most like her. That's a very dangerous thing to be. The sooner he's far from her, the better.

"Ryan!" Yaz and Graham shout in unison. 

But the Doctor just smiles at that. It’s a smile the Fam hasn’t seen yet, especially not directed at them. 

"Gold star for Ryan."

"Yeah," he says, disappointed "You should drop us home."

The humans' home, of course. The Doctor doesn't have a home anymore. Maybe she never had one.

Ryan is the first to step out when they land.

"You're a good person, Doctor" _no I'm not_ "I hope we can talk once you sort out whatever it is is hurting you." 

“It’s not-”

"Just try and do that, ok?"

She blinks back the tears his words bring. But says nothing _. Coward._

Graham takes a moment more. He doesn't try to hug the Doctor again but gives her an affectionate pat on the shoulder.

"You take care of yourself, cockle. See you soon, alright?"

She nods and tries to smile, but nothing comes. It doesn't seem to upset Graham further, he’s understanding, they’re so understanding and-

Yaz stays behind.

Of course she does. Kind, worried Yaz. Still believing that the Doctor is the best person she's ever known.

"It's not right what you're doing, Doctor," she says, arms crossed "I understand that Ryan thinks you need a moment, but you shouldn't go through this alone."

The Doctor turns from the door to look at Yaz. Her hair is covering her eyes and she doesn't push it away.

"Don't you wonder what happened to people who traveled with me before?"

Yaz's voice is so small and so young as she answers.

"You've lived a long life, I imagine they-"

"They die. Sometimes they die because an alien kills them, sometimes they get converted into Cyberman. Sometimes they get trapped in the past or another universe and they're dead to me because I can never see them again. And sometimes… sometimes they have to forget me otherwise they'll die. The clever ones leave me and survive. Which one you'll be, Yaz?"

"It's not your fault if-”

“Leave, Yaz. Be clever.”

The Doctor doesn't say anything else until Yaz walks away, the muffled sound of her sobs echoing in her absence 

_Never be cruel or cowardly._

The TARDIS is silent at last.

Eerie silent.

The humming of the ship is gone, even though they are flying away from Earth already. The glow of the crystals a muted blueish-grey, so different from its usual vibrance.

"You're angry at me."

The TARDIS answers with a low puff.

"Good, join the club."

No answer.

"Go on. Invite everyone who hates me. Davros and the Judoon and Martha's family. Make it a regular meeting! I'm sure the Master would love to preside over it and-"

She stops in her tracks. Because he's dead _and it's her fault_. 

The Doctor falls to the ground. Everyone is dead or lost to her forever _her fault_ and she can't breathe and she's alone again _her fault_ , just as it was when she was in prison but now she doesn't even have the fam to go back to _her fault_ and would Jack even stand to look at her now? It still hurts looking at him _her fault_

The TARDIS brushes against her mind, worried, but she can't feel it, and she doesn't deserve to be comforted anyway, and her ship is right in hating her _her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault_

"Grandfather?"

 _Susan?_

She's there. Worried. Those kind brown eyes gazing down on the Doctor.

No, no. The time leaks closed, she couldn't be here. 

The Doctor looks down at herself and she's no longer who she had just been. She's in her first body, well, the first she remembers being. Not even Susan's grandfather, but her very young self, the one she still is in her dreams.

Theta.

She's dreaming, of course. 

"What are you doing on the floor?"

The Doctor sits and dries her tears.

"I was crying, Susan. It's rude to sneak up on people who are crying."

She ignores him.

"What was it that you said?"

"What?"

"Before you were you. The latest you."

She thinks for a second before answering.

“Doctor, I let you go?”

"Yes. That was a good speech. I didn't get the bit about the pears though."

"Past me was a fool."

Susan laughs and it lights up some of the darkest parts of the Doctor’s heart.

"You always are, Grandfather. Do you remember the important bit?"

"Never be cruel, never be cowardly,” she sobs “Hate is always foolish and love… Love is always wise.”

"Exactly.” 

Susan sits down in front of the Doctor.

“So tell me, what happened to your promise?"

"I screwed up. Again. I'm so tired of screwing up."

"Everyone screws up at times. It's not too late to fix it."

The Doctor shakes her head.

"I think it is."

Susan stays in silence for a while, just curiously looking at her grandfather.

"When you sent me away,” she begins “I was sad. But you're doing the best for me. And you said goodbye with the kindest words. You can be so, so kind, Grandfather, I know you can."

The Doctor smiles. A very small smile.

"You really believe that?"

Susan’s smile, in turn, could light up whole galaxies.

"I'll always believe in you. The universe will too."

She stands and offers a hand to the Doctor, she takes it and now she is her latest self again.

“So, come on, Grandfather. Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind. Let’s go!”


	4. Out of time

The Doctor goes off Earth for a while. A lot of places in the universe needs fixing. A lot of good to be done throughout several star systems. She travels to a lot of places but doesn't hang around for long. No new friends, no companions, no attachments. 

It’s not that she doesn’t want to meet the Fam again, but there’s no point hovering over them if she can't apologize. 

She will apologize. She knows she will. Eventually. She just doesn’t know how to do that yet.

"Your sadness is pathetic, you know that?"

There’s always a cruel voice at the back of her mind when she’s too tired to pretend she doesn't miss her friends. It always sounds awfully a lot like the Master.

“It does sound like him, doesn't it? Look at that, you kill one friend and decides the next best thing to do is to burn all your other friendships”

 _Shut up._ She argues. _I haven’t burned anything away yet, I’ll get back to them._

“I’m sure you will. Hopefully, they won’t have died horrible deaths by the time you find your nerves.”

_Shut. Up._

The voice laughs and it would be amusing if it didn't remind the Doctor of the Master’s tears as she nearly pressed the detonator.

"Sweet dreams."

She drifts off seeing him blowing her a kiss, almost feeling the brush of his fingertips against her face.

Eventually, she calls Jack.

He hugs her. He hugged her in prison and she didn’t mind it. She minds it now but doesn’t tell him. She also doesn’t tell him she doesn’t want to talk about the Fam. 

"Is silver fox hanging around? I wouldn’t mind giving him a hello” Jack says with a suggestive smile

"I had to send them away, I had a problem with the TARDIS."

"Isn't it fixed now though?"

"It's complicated."

She doesn’t want to tell him anything at all and she wonders why she even called Jack. Maybe she just didn’t want to be…

So alone.

"Come on, Doctor!” he tries to distract her. Jack understands her way better than she gives him credit for “I'll take you to an amazing pub in Enceladus. 35th century, just what you need."

They share a few drinks on a place and time where, for once, nobody needs saving. It _was_ just what she needed.

"So... when are you going to Earth again?"

"I've got too many things to fix, Jack."

He opens his mouth as if to ask her what the matter really is. Or perhaps to scold her for running away.

“If I stop by Sheffield," he decides to say "I can give them a hello."

The Doctor smiles.

"That'd be nice. Tell them…"

That I'll see she'd meet them soon? That would be a lie. I'm sorry? Not enough and certainly not fair to have someone else do it for her.

Susan told her there was still time to fix this mess, but what if she's wrong? What if-

"I'll tell them you love them, Doctor."

Jack. So much more clever than her.

When Jack leaves she just stays in the Vortex. The Doctor is not sure why. Perhaps it's due to the feeling that if she tries to travel anywhere, the ship will land her in Sheffield again.

But she's still not ready.

"I see that Jack didn't help. Of course he didn't. Nothing will ever help you because you're a coward and you run from everything that truly matters to you."

When she's not trying to quiet the voice, the Doctor secretly wishes it really was the Master. Someone to be properly mad at. The time disruptor had torn her apart, it was something he would like to see.

It would be a company to fend of the loneliness, even if it was accompanied by all the rage and the pain that their interactions always carried.

"Too late for that, love."

That voice rang so strongly in her mind. And so fresh, so unlike a memory. So alive. Not like the ghosts. Not like her gentle dream of Susan.

_..._

_Wait a minute._

The Doctor raises from her bed, mind racing. She runs to the workshop where she had left the shell of the time disruptor.

A time disruptor. A weapon made for the Time War but never used there. Abandoned due to its instability before mass production. Which meant it hadn't been trapped when the war was locked out of time. But who in the whole universe would know about such a weapon?

Someone who fought the war, but escaped it

Someone who would always find a way to cheat death.

_Contact_

It's a fickle gamble, but the two of them always did love their games.

_Contact_

There's no answer, but something isn't quite right. The silence isn't quite silent.

_Contact contact_

_Contact, pick it up you son of a bitch, I know you're in there._

Something rushes through her mind. The Doctor tries to focus on it and it's just... Wind. 

The soft sound of the wind rushing through the red fields of Gallifrey.

 _Stop that and talk to me!_ she shouts in her mind, trying not to fall to the ground in grief.

First, there's a laugh. Not quite a maniac one, but not a normal one either. She waits. If he needs his flair and his drama, she'll indulge him. After an impossibly long time, a voice enters her mind.

"Hi!" 

There he is.

"Where are you? How are you inside my head?"

"You didn't realize you never locked the door after Gallifrey, didn't you?"

"Why would I need to do that? You were dead."

He laughs again.

"Oh, come on, dear Doctor. You should know me better than that. I escaped the Death Particle after you so very cowardly let that human do your dirty work for you. Then I got lost, somewhere, out of reach. I drifted, for ages, until I heard you calling me. Calling anyone that would answer, really. So alone and desperate in that Judoon prison. But I was the only one who could hear, and that I did."

The Doctor listens to his words with held breath. So he's been in her mind for all this time. Letting her feel so guilty and heartbroken. A tear dances in her eye, just on the verge of falling.

"I listened to you. I went inside your mind and you didn't even notice."

"I was mourning you."

She can hear him taking a sharp intake of breath. Enraged.

"No, you weren't. And when you got out I laid down a little plan to catch you."

"Yes, I was. And you haven't caught me."

"I've broken you. That's what I wanted."

"Was it really?"

He doesn't answer her, and they stay silent for a while, but she can feel him there. Taking up space, not hidden as he was before.

"Where are you?" she asks.

"Now why would I tell you that?"

"Because breaking me isn't really what you want. You want to see me broken, but now I know you're in my head, I'll just shut you out."

She can almost see him considering her words. She's right, but he doesn't trust her.

"Why would _you_ want to show me that?"

The words jump in her brain before she can stop them.

"Because I miss you."

"NO YOU DON'T!"

The Master can't keep his emotions at bay and a flood of anger hits the Doctor’s mind. The pain and the rage and the heartbreak. The betrayal for letting a human kill him. And why wouldn't she do that? She's so much more than him and he knows, he's always known- _Please, stop._ _It's not true._ But she doesn't know if he can hear her. Or if he would ever believe it.

"Just tell me where you are. Please."

He doesn't say anything anymore, only drills a location in her brain. Maybe he's lying, maybe it's another trap, but she doesn't care, just punches the coordinates into the TARDIS and follows.

The Doctor lands on a planet in ruins.

The Master is standing not far from her TARDIS, gazing distracted to the horizon. Alive. He's alive.

“Another one of your masterpieces?”

She turns to look at her with a smile.

“Not this time, I’m afraid. I found it like this. Some petty war or something. But I imagined you would appreciate it.”

The Doctor rolls her eyes and his smile opens wide at that. His rage is once again carefully concealed.

“So tell me, Doctor. I’m here. Why is it so important for you to see me?”

She thinks of thousands of things she could tell him. That she’s sorry. That she hates him. That she wishes they both had died in Gallifrey or traveled together forever, just like they had promised when they were kids. All of these things are true.

“Quite a mess you made with that time disruptor.”

“I know! Impressive isn’t it? Time, such a fickle thing. If any other person had found that time disruptor" he shrugs his shoulders "It would've been wasted. Lucky thing I did.”

“Then you set everything else in motion.”

“I saw what you were thinking. The adventure you were seeking. After that, it was quite easy, really.”

“Brilliant,” she admits. He takes a bow at the compliment “Not that I would expect differently from you.”

“My, thank you, Doctor. And now here we are.”

They've moved closer together. He is close enough to touch. _He's alive._

“Yes. Here we are.”

His smile dies as he sees the glint in her eyes. But she's already in motion, too fast for him to stop her.

Two taps in strategic places and the Master falls limp in the Doctor's arms.

"Venusian aikido," she tells his unconscious figure with a smile "It never fails."

The Doctor grunts as she drags her best enemy back to her TARDIS. Further and further and further down.

The Master wakes up and looks at his surroundings.

“You're not serious."

"I very much am."

"We're doing this again, then? You lock me up in a vault until I turn good? You know this doesn’t work, love.”

She takes a deep breath, regarding him.

“No.”

His eyes snap back at her.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’m not keeping you here because I expect you to change. I’m keeping you so you don’t cause any harm.”

"Harm? To whom?"

"Anyone you might fancy harming this week, or the next, or in a century from now. It doesn't matter who. It matters that you're not doing it."

“You're keeping me prisoner, then?”

“Yes.”

“You wouldn’t do this, Doctor.” his voice is weak and for the first time, the Master sounds scared.

“Yes, I would. I did. You’re trapped, but you're safe. Out of trouble, out of harm. No one to hurt you, no one for you to hurt.”

"I'm not your pet, Doctor."

"But you're my responsibility."

"And I suspect you'll go to Earth and live happy adventures with your strays while the monster is locked up in your basement?"

"No, I'm not going on any adventures while you're here."

"Which will be until...?"

"I don't know yet. But it doesn't matter. It's a time machine and we're the last Time Lords. We'll be apart from it. Out of time."

The Doctor hates the glee that enters her voice, but she can't keep it away.

"We'll be timeless."


	5. Inner Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s another three days before she goes back to the TARDIS. Enceladus is never silent and she can’t bear the silence anymore.

It’s a simple Mary Shelley problem. Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein is the monster.

The Doctor knows who is who, but she doesn't spend much time thinking about it. It helps her sleep at night.

* * *

To anyone who asks, the Doctor says she's going to Earth soon.

In the very same pub Jack Harness took her such a long time ago - Enceladus, 35th century - a human named Anya wonders why an alien would even consider going to Earth.

"Everyone knows there’s nothing fun before Mars."

"I left some friends there."

"Lucky friends."

There's something about Anya's smile that brings a blush to the Doctor's cheeks.

"We don't see many out of galaxy aliens here."

"Oh, yeah Enceladus is not that big. But I'm sure that in Titan-"

The girl stops the Doctor's rambling with a soft hand over hers.

"I've been to Titan already. I meant that I never met an alien quite like you."

The Doctor hasn't flirted in a long time. She hadn't even realized she'd done so. But it seems to be working because Anya's mesmerizing brown eyes are sparkling when looking at her, enchanted.

"There are no aliens like me."

Anya laughs and the Doctor drowns in the sound, pushing away any bad implication that thought might bring.

If the Doctor was being honest with herself - which she rarely is these days - she'd admit that she's completely lost track of time. The thing is, time passes very gently in that pub, whenever Anya’s hands brush against the Doctor’s, or when their hips bump when one of them orders another drink. 

“I should go,” she finally says, when she can’t pretend anymore “Need to go back to my ship.”

"Oh, of course. It's getting late," Anya says, but her fingers are gently tapping over the Doctor's "But it's not _so_ late yet, isn't it?"

"I- I” _silly, silly Doctor_ “I do have time."

"So… would you like to go somewhere else?"

The Doctor hesitates. Her mind drifts towards the TARDIS, and the TARDIS’s basement, and what she keeps there. She really should go back to her ship. 

But it’s so _quiet_ there.

"I would like that."

Anya smiles and takes the Doctor’s hand into hers. Their fingers interlaced while she guides the Doctor through a new city: no history, no memories, just the hazy Enceladus’ lights and the warmth of Anya’s hand.

* * *

When she locked the vault door, the Master screamed. He banged against the door, but couldn't he see? She was saving him. She was saving them both.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS, DOCTOR, LET ME GO!"

She walked away, back to the upper levels of the TARDIS and, while his screams were muffled with the distance, she could still hear them for a long time.

She knew he would calm down, eventually. It was just a matter of time. He’d understand.

Seven days later and he was still shouting.

His cry was now drilling against her mind. It was uncomfortable for her, sustaining such a relentless attack on her mental shields, but it must've been agony for him to keep screaming into someone else’s brain for so long.

The Doctor walked back to the vault when it became clear he wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

"Stop that," she said from the door "You'll hurt yourself."

He was sprawled across his bed, undisturbed by her entrance.

"As if you would care if I did"

"I do care. If I didn't, I wouldn't have brought you here."

He laughed and the cruelty in it wasn’t able to hide the sadness lying underneath. The Doctor stumped towards him. There were deep dark circles under his eyes and a sickly pallor on his face.

"Isn't enough whatever damage the cyberium has already caused you? Now you have to go and tear your brain apart just to shout at me?" she moved her fingers towards his face, worried, but the Master furiously grabbed her wrist.

"Don't. Don't you dare come here and act like-, like a bloody doctor."

"I just want-"

"I've had drums in my brain for ages" he turned around and kneeled on the bed, meeting her at eye level "For centuries. Do you think a bit of mental strain will break me? Don't you dare assume I'm weak just because I'm not the Timeless Child, like you." 

His hold on her wrist was hard enough to form bruises, but she could have released it, if she really wanted. She didn’t move.

"That's not what I meant-"

"Yes, it is. That's why I'm here, isn't it? That's why I'm your responsibility."

She held his gaze for another minute before shaking her wrist free.

"Just stop it, alright?”

There were tears in his eyes. The Doctor pretended she couldn’t see them. She expected him to say something. To mock her, to fight her, to resume his mental shouting. He did neither of these things. He just stared at her, in perfect silence and stillness, something she didn’t even think this body of his could achieve.

And he didn’t say anything anymore.

* * *

When Anya's lips meet hers, warm and soft, and only a bit demanding, the Doctor forgets all of her concerns. She trails kisses down the Doctor's neck and that awakes something in her that had been asleep for ages - that had last been awake with Missy _don't think about Missy_ \- so she sheds their clothes, feeling the softness of Anya's skin under her hands.

The Doctor had avoided any touch in this new body, she hadn’t realized how much she craved it.

The sky in Enceladus is unpolluted, the night lights dim enough to not disturb the view of the stars and Saturn's rings. Anya and the Doctor sit on the rooftop to gaze at it, Anya's fingers tracing indistinguishable patterns on the Doctor's naked skin. She knows this bliss won't last, but she savours it regardless.

//

It’s another three days before she goes back to the TARDIS. Enceladus is never silent and she can’t bear the silence anymore. But when the Doctor enters her ship, there’s piano music on the air. She stumbles on her feet to run towards the vault.

She stops by the door to catch her breath and opens it softly. She walks with silent careful steps as if the Master was a wild animal she might spook.

“I thought you said you weren’t going on adventures,” he says, without interrupting his playing.

“I’m not. We’re parked. Just next to Saturn, just like I told you I would.”

“Saturn” there’s a flourish of notes. She doesn’t know this song “I don’t get your obsession with this solar system.”

“You’re speaking to me.”

“Silence can be so very boring.”

“Why were you silent then? It’s been months.”

He smiled wickedly at her. The Doctor sighs.

“Anyway. I’m glad you stopped.”

He pauses the music but doesn’t look at her.

“When will _you_ stop?”

“Stop what?”

“With this little game.”

_It’s not a game._

“The 3d printer you gave me is shit” he resumes his playing and continues talking when he realises she won’t answer him.

“It has restricted settings.”

“I noticed. When will you stop?”

_Why would I stop? I mean, how else-_

“You have my attention now. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

The Master slams the piano lid shut, stands up, and walks towards the Doctor.

“Where were you?”

“In the city. I just needed to take a walk-”

“You smell of it. Humans.”

She trembles slightly when the Master runs a finger through her collarbones and places his thumb on the dip between them.

“Couldn’t stay away from your Earth girls, isn’t it?”

The Doctor swallows and he increases the pressure of his thumb, spreading his palm on her chest. Her heartbeats raise and she wonders if he’ll try to choke her. His eyes seem murderous enough to do so. 

But he doesn’t. After a beat, the Master just walks away from her.

“It’s not an Earth girl if I’m in Enceladus,” she says, trying to act good-naturedly.

“I would like you to leave my vault now.”

Her impulse is to protest. To tell him this is not how this works. To explain to him how this is meant to help them, but his eyes are so sad and resolute. She takes the cue and leaves, tempted to leave the door unlocked.

But of course, she doesn't. The Doctor doubles check the lock before walking back to the upper levels of the TARDIS.

//

“Doctor!” The woman greets her with a smile bright enough to challenge the stars “I was hoping to meet you again.”

It’s just so easy to pretend nothing is wrong when she’s around someone else. Someone who doesn’t know who the Doctor is or what she does. She’s on Enceladus again and why does she keep doing that? The plan was to stay in the TARDIS, but she leaves anyway and that’s just more secrets and more lies but when she sees Anya her spirits lift.

“Would you like to go off-planet?”

“I’m sorry?”

“There’s an observatory on Titan. The shuffles to go there leave every two hours. I’m sure it is not as interesting as anywhere you go, but you’ll get to see what I’m working on.”

Anya is a cosmo-engineer and she explains to the Doctor about the launching pad they're building on Pluto.

“It's going to launch the first 100% human-made ship to leave the solar system. I'm working on it with a team of scientists from all four major planets. We can see it from Titan.”

"Yes, I'd love to see that." The Doctor says with a smile, and follows Anya again. There's something funny there, something about not being the one who leads for once. And it's nice, and so hopeful seeing such a simple launching pad on Pluto. Humanity persevering despite its many flaws and basic tech. Tech a Time Lord would use to build a skiff. For them, it's everything. And the Doctor likes that, to take their mind away from her own people. What she thought was her people.

"Not bad for a not-planet, right?"

"Yes," the Doctor answers with a knowing smile. In 40 years or so the New Solaria Galactic Organisation will classify Pluto as a planet again, even if it makes no astronomical sense, but humans can be so very sentimental.

The Doctor also remembers how Theta and Koschei went to Pluto once. An unauthorized trip, with no real purpose or plan. Just to gaze at the solar system from afar. She finds it gets harder to swallow. 

//

Shopping trips are allowed, as long as that's what they are. She can travel far and wide if all she does is to get out, get supplies, talk to as few people as needed, and come back. Not that the Master cares, but she likes to make things clear for him.

“I've brought guavas from Cassiopeia.”

"I don't want your fruit."

He sounds so young and grumpy, it's endearing, and so the Doctor smiles as she answers.

"That's not true. You love them."

She leaves the shopping bag at the foot of his bed and, true enough, he slowly moves to pick them. 

"Hope that'll cheer you up."

He rolls his eyes and starts eating. He pushes the bag towards her and the Doctor accepts the offer. She sits next to him. There’s pink juice running from their fingers and chins and it amuses her how undignified they both look. Time Lords should never behave like this. They weren’t normal Time Lords, though, weren’t they? And it’s not like any of the other ones could reprimand them now. 

“Why are you so sad? Thought you were having days and nights of fun with your little enceladian girlfriend.”

She wasn’t sad or, at least, hoped her face wouldn’t show it. So the Doctor swallows her guava and spits the question back at him.

“Why are you?”

The Master grabs a handkerchief and cleans his fingers before speaking.

“That’s easy. Because I’m a prisoner. _Your_ prisoner. Because you still haven’t brought me a particle accelerator. Because these guavas aren’t even the fancy kind.”

“There’s no fancy kind-”

“ _Why are you sad_?”

Suddenly she wants to run, and not talk to him and be anywhere in the universe other than this vault. But she made a promise.

"Because I want my friend back."

"I'm not your friend. I'm your prisoner, your pet, your- I'm nothing but a faulty copy of you."

“That’s not true.”

He looks at her for such a long time and he isn't angry anymore. He's just resigned and sad and it shatters the Doctor's hearts.

“Yes, it is.”

//

Anya traces constellations through the freckles on the Doctor’s back and the Doctor names the ones she's been to. The ones she remembers going to.

“Your ship must be amazing.” 

“It’s the greatest ship in the universe.”

“Can I see it?”

The Doctor freezes at the question. Yes, she could show Anya the TARDIS. It’s parked very close to where they are, but it would be very inadvisable to show it to anyone.

“Please, Doctor.” she sings, nudging the Doctor’s neck with her nose.

_Silly old Time Lord._

The Doctor holds her breath as Anya crosses the door. There’s no shouting, no piano. No dreadful silence either. Just a peaceful stillness and the crystals glowing a gentle orange. Anya looks at the ship in awe, as they always do.

“It’s interdimensional engineering.”

“Yes.”

“That’s so advanced,” she turns to the Doctor, suspicious “That’s too advanced. That’s not- It’s the stuff of fairy tales, Doctor.”

 _Fairy tale-ish._ That’s who she was, a long time ago. For Amy. She’d left that behind, though. She’s a different genre altogether now. But Anya doesn’t need to know that.

“I’m from very far away.”

The TARDIS immediately warms up to Anya and she’s not inclined to leave. She asks the Doctor what other rooms she might see and the Doctor takes her on a very careful and limited tour. Anya points to the bits of technology she knows and the advances she can infer.

The Doctor feels the Master's conscience, nearing hers, feeling the change on the ship. She locks him away and welcomes Anya further in. Because she's the same idiot with a box, just as always and Anya is so happy to be there. And that's irresistible.

The Doctor takes the TARDIS to the very edge of Saturn’s rings. She and Anya sit by the TARDIS doors to gaze at them, but when she turns around, the Doctor realizes Anya is looking at her.

“Tell me the truth, Doctor,” she says with curious eyes “What are you doing here?”

There are a million lies the Doctor could tell. But she chooses the truth. One of them, at least.

“Running away.”

“From what?”

The Doctor shrugs.

“From everything. It’s what I’ve been doing since I left my home planet.”

“Where is your home planet?” 

“A place meant for leaving.”

//

The tune the Master is playing now is accompanied by singing and the Doctor hums the Gallifreyan lyrics. It doesn’t seem to bother him. If anything, it makes the Master look more peaceful. His eyes are closed and his fingers move fluidly over the keys. The Doctor closes her eyes too and for a moment she gets to pretend. That she's happy and with

A friend.

“Why do you keep coming here?” he asks.

“I like hearing you play”

“Sappy”

“That’s me.”

He changes the song. Something from the Shobogans that they would dance whenever they escape the Academy to go into the city.

“Tell me something interesting about Enceladus.”

“There are cryovolcanoes on the poles, the steam is used to warm the entire satellite.”

“Clever.”

“Yes. And it’s just… It’s blue and green and white all around. The streets, the soil, the atmosphere. No orange or red anywhere.”

“That’s a welcome change of scenery”

The Doctor wants to hate him. He destroyed their planet and thinks their friendship changed. But it doesn’t matter. She wants him next to her even more. So she smiles as she answers.

“I know.”

The Master starts to get uncomfortable under her gaze. He stops playing and lets his restless fingers hover over the keys.

“How long will this last?”

“Until you understand.” she tries to touch his hand, but the Master snatches it away and walks away from the piano.

“And when will you understand that there's no point in what you're doing?”

“There is a point.” _I can’t afford this not having a point._

“Oh, Doctor dearest” he smiles at her like a house cat to a hapless bird “You’re still an idiot.”

“That’s who I’ve always been.” Her smile is too open. She's exposing herself too much. He could go for the neck if he wanted. 

“That you remember.” 

“What I remember is who I am. There is a point.”

“Of course you have to tell this to yourself. Because if it’s pointless you’ll have to confront the fact that you’re alone and all your faults and demons will catch up with you.”

He has to hurt her, doesn’t he? That’s his whole thing. She knows that and was basically asking for it, so she should let it go, let it slide off of her. But it’s exhausting and _what if he’s right what if I’m alone what if I screwed up for real this time what if_

“Shut up.”

“Come on, Doctor” his voice is velvety and amused “You locked me here, the least you can do is face the truth, for once in your life. Admit that you’re doing this because you have to feel in control of something after you lost control of your entire life. Of your entire history. It does bother you not knowing who you are, or what you have done, and your silly speech at the Matrix chamber didn’t change this. Admit that it hurts you that you don’t even have me. I’m not your oldest enemy, just another casualty that doesn’t even cause a blip in your life. You have no one and there’s nothing you can do to fix this. Admit that you wish you-”

“What,” she snaps, getting face to face with him “Wish I had killed you?”

Before he can answer, the Doctor grabs him by his shirt and pushes him against the wall, her forearm in his throat, squeezing enough to make him gasp.

"That's what you want, isn't it? To die? I can arrange that."

"Do it then” he shivers under her touch “Snap my neck until I run out of regenerations, see all of them wither in front of you, wreck this vault with the energy of it. End me for good."

She pushes him harder, a snarl twisting her face, but it only makes him laugh and lean into her touch.

“Or, even better, do it properly this time. Find another death particle, throw this ship into a neutron star. End us both, once and for all. Rid the universe of its monsters.”

She blinks the tears that keep her from seeing his face properly. Her grasp on him is shaky.

“You don't mean that. You're a survivor. All you did your entire existence was to fight to stay alive, no matter what. You don't want us to end.”

He lifts one hand to touch her arm, the one still pushing his throat. It's a gentle touch and it burns the Doctor. It hurts more than if he had tried to hurt her.

“But this is the only end possible. At your side. Or by your hands. And I'm… I'm tired. Aren't you tired?”

“This isn't-" she takes her shivering hands away from him "this can't be the only way out for us.”

"Why not?" he leans closer to her, runs his knuckles through her cheek.

She swallows before speaking.

"Because I don't want to kill my best friend."

His eyes harden, all softness gone. Unaware, the Doctor once more says the wrong thing. The thing that hurts him, when her intention is doing anything but.

“Of course not,” he grunts, disappointed “You still want to find your pets, still want to amaze humans, see them gaze at you in awe. Still want to save the universe and be lauded for it.”

“Master-” she’s so tired of telling him he’s wrong.

“You don't mind seeing me dead. You'd let a human do it-”

“I regret that! I only did because I thought you could escape, why won't you listen to me and-”

“I did listen to you. Spent seventy years doing nothing but this. It didn’t work."

"This time it could."

There's something in his eyes and the Doctor allows herself a sliver of hope. It's small and fragile and she can barely look at it for fear it'll break.

"It's just a stupid dance, Doctor," he whispers.

"I like dancing with you."

He lets her hold his hand this time, interlacing their fingers. Then he holds both her hands between his and looks into her eyes with kindness before shutting her out again.

"Good night."

It's a gentle order for her to leave, perhaps better than any other thing she might hope to gain from this conversation.

"Good night, Master."

//

Another week outside of the TARDIS. If the ship protests as she leaves, the Doctor doesn’t notice. It’s tourism in Enceladus again until she spends a few nights in a row with Anya, and has to ask. It’d be wrong not to.

"Would you like,” she speaks slowly, dreading the answer “to try?"

"Travel through space and time with you?"

She nods. If Anya says yes, it will count as an adventure. If she has an adventure, she’ll have to let the Master go.

“No.”

“No?”

“Disappointed?”

“No, I’m just... Surprised. Don't get that answer often.”

“It’s just,” Anya considers before speaking. She points to her working desk, where she drew the schemes of the launching pad “I like where I am. Like where I'm going. If I do travel through space it should be within the limits of my work. No short cuts with an alien from the future.”

That’s a perfect answer. Anya misinterprets her silence.

“You are disappointed, aren't you?”

“I’m not, I promise" she gazes tenderly into Anya's dark eyes, "I think you are so much wiser than me.”

Anya laughs and gives her a gentle push.

“Now you’re just teasing me.”

“Never!” the Doctor says earnestly, then grabs her hand and pulls Anya “Come on, I want to go to Titan and look at it again.”

In the viewing platform, Anya gazes in awe at her project and the Doctor gazes in awe at her. She hasn't had someone like this in such a long time. Not a companion, or a wife, or an enemy. Just someone to care for without the weight of everything else.

Anya is wise, but she doesn’t even know there is a monster. She doesn’t know who the Doctor is. She doesn’t want to travel through space and time with her. She never, ever, asks what the Doctor keeps in her basement. She's the perfect company.

//

There are nights when she goes to him and lays on his bed and wraps her arms around him, soaking his back with tears, mumbling words in every language she knows, too quietly for him to make out. He never asks her why.

“You should just stay away from me.”

“If you tell me to leave, I’ll go.”

The Master holds her hands tighter around his torso.

“I can’t.”

“Me neither.”

//

She welcomes Anya into the library because there are some good engineering books there that wouldn't count as spoilers and it's only proper that the Doctor lends them. 

Anya takes what she needs and walks back to the console. That's what she means to do, anyway. Anya doesn’t wander. She would make a terrible companion.

But the console is not where she ends up, the Doctor soon realizes. She crosses the familiar corridors, quite aware of where Anya is before she even finds her and also aware that, if Anya ends up in the vault, the only possible explanation is that the TARDIS took her there.

_Why did you do this, old girl?_

But the Doctor knows why.

When the Doctor spots her, Anya looks very small, looking uncertain to the slab of stone in front of her. She gently touches the intricate door. 

"What's that Doctor?"

_My best friend_

"A vault."

"A vault for what?"

_My best friend. My best friend whom I left to die, then stole and kept here._

"A monster."

"Why do you have a monster in a vault?"

_Because I left him to die and now I have to keep him so I don’t lose him again. Because I'm the monster._

"Protection."

Anya shivers at the word, removes her hand from the door, and brings her arms closer to her body.

“Am I in danger, Doctor?”

_Always. Everyone close to me is always in danger. That’s what happens to people who love monsters._

“Not of him.”

“Him?”

The Doctor doesn’t answer, so Anya takes a step closer to the vault and - of course - a step away from the Doctor.

“Can I see what’s inside the vault, Doctor?”

She considers she could tell her no. Beg her to walk away and forget all about this, but the damage is already done and, if she refuses, it might push Anya away even faster.

So the Doctor walks to the door, taps the coordinates that will open it, and braces herself.

The Master is sitting on a chair facing the door. His smile is wide and satisfied.

“I was wondering when I would get to meet your girlfriend, Doctor.”

Anya doesn’t relax, but she doesn’t cower before the Master either.

“You don’t look like a monster.”

“Oh, that’s what she told you I am?”

“No. I said I had a monster, I didn’t say you were it.”

“Knowledge and wisdom, right?” he says with a smile, turning his gaze away from Anya and back to the Doctor.

"Why must you be locked here? Did you commit a crime?"

"Oh, several of them. That was why I was here the first time. Well, it was more to escape execution, but then we had this whole plan… Well, you get the gist."

Anya raises an eyebrow. "First time?"

"Oh yes, this is a rerun. The first time we had a deal, though. Clear terms and everything. Now though…"

"Now?"

The pause he gives is very telling. It's the thing that will change everything, the Doctor knows.

"Now she's just having fun."

"I am not having fun! I-"

"I'm going to leave you two to it." Anya interrupts with a small voice. She's seen something. The Doctor’s guilt, the familiarity between them. Both Time Lords turn to look at her in one fluid movement and it seems to confirm whatever it was she guessed. She walks away and no one tries to stop her.

Once Anya's out the door, the Master drops the friendly facade and snarls at the Doctor.

"Why did you bring her here? To have me on display like a novelty?"

The Doctor doesn't have the energy to be angry at him. She's so tired, just so tired of all of this.

"I didn't bring her here, the TARDIS did."

"Why?"

"She knows me far better than I know myself, she knows what I need."

"And what is that?"

"I need my friend back."

The Master drops his shoulders. He’s tired too.

"This again? We're not-"

"You can deny me this” she interrupts him “You can't take our friendship from me. It's the only thing I've had since always."

“You’re the Timeless Child,” he says, as if it’s a final argument, but the Doctor has had it with it.

“It doesn’t matter. Don’t you get it? That’s what I have been trying to show you all along. _I need you to know we’re not so different!_ ”

These are his words, from a lifetime ago. They mean something and so he doesn't throw them against the Doctor, doesn't push her away, or even fight. His angry, cruel confidence wavers and he looks very fragile as he speaks.

“You don’t really believe that.”

“It’s all I believe.”

“Really? Then why’d you always acted so special? So superior?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Master. The one being destined to bend the universe at his will. How is that not thinking you are special and superior?”

The Master looks at her for a moment, his mouth hanging open, for once at a loss of words. Then he laughs and even the Doctor allows herself a small chuckle. She's got it right, for once.

“You said it yourself.” the Doctor continues “Rid the universe of its monsters. We’re the same and I’ve spent such a long time denying this, but it’s true.”

He still holds his smile for another moment, then looks earnest and serious at her.

“So let me go,” he whispers.

The Doctor takes a step back. No, no. That’s not where she was going with this. _I can’t. If I let you go I might lose you._ The words tingle on her tongue, waiting to be spoken, but an older voice enters her mind first. _If you keep him like this, you’ll lose him anyway. You’re losing him already._

The Doctor knows this voice, even if the times it actually speaks with her are rare and spaced. It's the TARDIS voice. And the TARDIS is right. She is always right.

"Doctor?" the Master asks, frowning.

“I have to check on Anya,” she blurts out and walks away before the Master has the chance to say anything else.

The Doctor walks back towards the console and spots Anya reading one of the books she’s borrowed. The Doctor will let her keep it. And she won’t ever come back to get it back. She takes a deep breath. Time to say goodbye. It was never meant to last anyway.

She sits next to the girl and Anya closes the book before speaking.

"Is your friend okay?"

"Hum, yes. He will be. Eventually. He always gets okay, eventually."

Anya nods, understanding. Circling around what she really wants to say. 

"I guess I'll head home then, Doctor."

"Oh, sure."

"Just, before…"

"Yes?"

"Hum, there's one thing I'd like to see, if you'd take me."

"Anywhere,” the Doctor assures her “Just name where and when.”

The Doctor sets the TARDIS in orbit of a supernova. It's not a significant one. Anya just asked for the nearest one they could find.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it? A dying star burning brighter than a galaxy.”

"It is."

The Doctor didn't use to think like that, back when she hated endings. But too many things end anyway, whether she accepts them or not.

And it _is_ beautiful.

The Doctor drops Anya back in Enceladus and knows she won't go back there. Not at this time anyway. This chapter of her story ended for good.

"Thank you, Doctor, really” Anya gives her a hug before leaving the TARDIS. “Maybe you should go to see those Earth friends of yours now," she adds, her arms still wrapped around the Doctor. 

"Goodbye, Anya." She whispers in Anya’s hair. _Never trust a hug, it's just a way to hide your face._

"Goodbye, Doctor."

Her walk to the vault is perhaps the longest she's ever done. But it's also easy. For once she's absolutely sure of what she has to do.

The Master stands in the same spot she’d left him. He’s reading a book too but drops it as soon as the Doctor enters.

"Finally said goodbye to your girlfriend?"

"Do you wanna see a supernova?"

"What?"

"A supernova. Do you want to see one?"

He looks at her with suspicion.

"I've seen thousands of supernovas."

"Do you want to see one now?" the Doctor insists "With me?"

He doesn't say anything, just gazes at the open door and slowly makes his way towards it. He gives her a final look before crossing the threshold, checking with her if this is really what she means. The Doctor ushers him out.

They sit together to watch the swirling oranges and purples, their legs dangling from the TARDIS open doors. It's a precarious position, too close to the dying star's gravity field. The Master's left hand is awkwardly placed behind the Doctor. He could easily shove her. He'd probably jump right behind. That was what he wanted, wasn't it? It could end here and now. Her fingers are white-knuckled gripping the frame of the door, but if he pushed her, she'd let herself fall. 

Would the TARDIS try to save her? Save them? 

The Master looks at her. He’s not angry, nor sad. She can see the supernova reflected on his irises. The Doctor wonders what she’d be without him.

Very gently, the Master lays his head on her shoulder.

And then there is one less demon in the Doctor's heart.


	6. Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time, there were two little boys. One had green eyes. The other had blue ones. They were Theta Sigma and Koschei and they were going to see the whole universe together.

Once upon a time, there were two little boys. One had green eyes. The other had blue ones. They were Theta Sigma and Koschei and they were going to see the whole universe together.

Their eyes are hazel and brown now. They're the Doctor and the Master. And they're sleeping in a TARDIS.

Well, he is sleeping. She is thinking. 

They've been enemies for several lifetimes and friends for longer than most civilizations have existed. They've tried to kill one another more times than they can count, but never really mean it. And there’s still so much universe for them to see together.

When the Doctor closes her eyes, she can still see the supernova. But more than that, she can see the supernova reflected in the Master's eyes.

They are laying together in her bed - a bed that's ridiculously too big for a single Time Lord - only touching at the tips of their toes. The Doctor pushes his hair away from his forehead, lightly enough as to not wake him up. Even more gently, she nudges his mind with her own. She doesn’t want to probe or peak, just let him know she’s there. The violent flood of his emotions rushes towards her. It’s intense and terrifying and brilliant and so, so beautiful.

_I wanna keep you._

The Master is making muffins with the remaining Cassiopeian guavas, while the Doctor sits on the counter eating mouthfuls of the raw batter. The Master has given up on telling her not to do that, so he just gave her a separate bowl before putting the rest in the oven. These are the best muffins the Doctor's ever had, and they weren't even baked yet. She thinks how nice it would be to have this forever _I wanna keep you_

He's admiring his creation in the oven and he's so beautiful, concentrated on cooking and not on destruction or causing pain. _I wanna keep you._

It's a shame she's made her decision already.

“I’m going back to Earth.”

He snaps his head to look at her with a flash of pain in his eyes. Memories of the past. Of Bristol and the university. 70 years that amounted to nothing.

“So I’m going to leave the door open,” she continues, before he can say anything “and I won’t look where you’re going.”

The Master crosses his arms, incredulous.

“You’re not serious.”

She jumps from the counter and puts the bowl away. Unable to meet his eyes, she speaks to her own feet.

“I’m tired of hurting you. I’m tired of feeling hurt.”

There's a long silence to follow and the Doctor would do anything to hear him say something, even if it was to be mean to her again. 

She opens her mouth but the Master beats her to it.

“So you’ll just let me go?”

“I can’t be cruel forever. I've made a promise. A long time ago."

He laughs, and it is wicked. The Doctor braces herself for whatever evil remark is coming, but he says nothing. After a moment, he scoops the muffins from the oven and settles them on the counter.

“Wait until they cooled off. And save some for me,” he says, just before leaving the kitchen. The Doctor watches as he goes-

 _I_ _wanna keep you_

-but doesn't follow him.

For another whole day, the Master doesn't emerge from his room. The Doctor lets herself believe in the fantasy that he'll stay.

 _Let him go_ , a small part of her mind mocks her. _You're being ridiculous_. The Doctor knows this part isn't entirely wrong. He is a criminal and she should stop him. Ship him to a Judoon prison. Lock him up in a different vault. Hell, find the Rani and let her experiment on him (Ushas would probably incinerate them both if they tried to approach her stellar system, but hey). 

_Or you could just keep him._

But she knows she's being silly and none of it would make any good. The only way of not losing the Master is letting him go.

It's the TARDIS that tells her he's ready to leave. The decision to where they eventually land is between the Master and the ship. The Doctor scolds her for being so friendly with her best enemy, but the ship just ignores her. The TARDIS holds a grudge like no one, except when it's to go behind her pilot's back, apparently.

_Oh, bugger off, thief_

That is way more cheeky than a ship had any right to be, the Doctor decides.

She walks to the console and, as agreed, doesn't look at coordinates. The Master is standing beside the central pillar, whispering to the ship. Maybe thanking her, maybe apologizing. The Doctor doesn’t try to hear because it is none of her business. Even if her mind is still ceaselessly begging, her psychic shields as high as they can be. _I wanna keep you._

When the TARDIS lands, the Doctor turns away from the open doors. She won't look. She won't ask him to stay. She won't even say goodbye. But the Master comes to her anyway.

"It won't last."

She raises her eyes to him. His eyes are so big. The entire universe could fit inside those eyes. Several universes. She wants to see more stars reflected in them.

"What?"

"Us. Not hurting one another. We'll find a way back to it, eventually. It's what we do."

"Maybe we can learn."

The Master chuckles, not convinced but not straight up opposed to the idea either. Before the Doctor can argue more, he leans in and kisses her. It’s a soft kiss, feather light on her lips, and full of hope. She chases his lips once he breaks the kiss.

_I wanna keep you I wanna keep you I wanna keep you-_

but she can’t. Maybe one day, when they’re older and well… maybe not wiser, but kinder. They live long lives.

He holds her face in his hands for another minute, gently caressing her cheeks. He catches a stubborn tear with his thumb and kisses her eyes.

“See you around, Doctor,” he whispers.

"I'm counting on it."

It's a threat. Or a promise. The Master laughs, bright and joyfully, as he walks away. It warms the Doctor's hearts. 

The doors close and the Doctor walks to the control panel. She sets the TARDIS on course for Sheffield and doesn't hesitate when she turns the lever.


	7. “It’s not always black and white”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know what, Ryan. Let's check that list. An impossible place is always a good place to start."

When the TARDIS lands in Sheffield, only Ryan is there to see it. He waves at the Doctor, sends a text to Yaz and Graham, and goes outside to meet her while they wait for the other's arrival, standing outside the TARDIS.

"You look well," Ryan says "Less tired."

The Doctor nods with a small smile. "Thank you. You look good yourself."

"I've got a new job."

"Oh, that's great! Doing what?"

Ryan explains to her about his work at an NGO helping teens who are going through rough times. The Doctor is glad to hear he is doing so well. She's also glad as she realises that it's not at all uncomfortable making small talk with Ryan. The silence when they ran out of things to say isn't awkward either. His easy laugh is like a grounding presence. This moment, the Doctor knows, is one of the important ones. It's not grand or special. It's just a good time with a friend. Those are the moments that matter the most.

As soon as Yaz and Graham arrive, he invites them all in, puts the kettle on. The four of them sit awkwardly on the kitchen table, the silence stretching while they wait for the water to boil. The Doctor can feel Yaz simmering, wanting to run her over with questions, but Graham must have told her to take it easy.

The Doctor offers them the guava muffins as a white flag.

"I didn’t make them," she adds quickly when she notices Graham eyeing the food with suspicion. It’s all he needs to hear to dig in.

"These are delicious, Doc," he says, around a mouthful.

"The Master did."

Graham’s freezes with a piece of muffin halfway through his mouth.

It wasn’t her plan to tell them that. She was so used to having him around, talking to him and about him, that it just slips from her lips. And she misses him. But the Fam doesn’t know any of that and perhaps this is not, she considers, the best way of letting them know what she's been up to.

"Who did what now?" Yaz asks, in shock.

"He, I- well. You can eat them, Graham. It's perfectly safe, I ate loads on my way here."

The Doctor turns to face the three questioning faces gazing at her. She drops her eyes to the table and bites her lower lip in guilt. She won't lie to them. Can't do that anymore. Those days are long past.

"Remember when I said he was one of my oldest friends? It’s actually a bit more complicated than that."

\\\

She tells them the whole thing. Why she locked him up, why she let him go. Why the time disruptor hurt so much and about all the ghosts in the TARDIS, all the people whose lives she messed up. All the reasons for them to hate her. She doesn’t ask them for forgiveness or for them to stick around.

It leaves her raw and aching. No one should have to open up like this but she knows that if she doesn’t, she’ll blow up and it won’t be pretty. She only realises she's crying when Yaz presses a tissue on her hands. She heaves, a sharp intake of breath that burns through her throat. Ryan is gently touching her shoulder and rubbing circles on her back. It doesn't feel overbearing or uncomfortable, like most touches feel for her. It's kind, it's a small relief. Graham gives her another cup of tea. Six sugars. They all sit next to her and, for the first time in such a long time, they actually feel like family.

Still, would be understandable if they walked away. She'd miss them, but they need to live their own lives. Far from her, if needed. The Doctor realises she got wrapped up in her own thoughts when Ryan clears his throat.

"Sorry. I lost myself for a bit. What was that?"

"I asked where are you going next."

It takes her a minute to realize what he meant. A smile opens on her face like clouds parting after a massive storm.

"That means-"

"Come on, Doctor. You don't want me to pull my list of chosen locations again, do you? It's gonna involve a lot of places that don't exist."

She smiles through her tears and looks at them in wonder. At the wonder that is every human being, but particularly those three. Three amongst seven billion. How much they grew since she met them. How much they learned.

"You know what, Ryan. Let's check that list. An impossible place is always a good place to start."

When they are ready to go, Ryan and Yaz race towards the TARDIS. Graham lingers behind and she walks by his side.

"Why would you still wanna travel with me," she asks "After all the things I told you? How dangerous it is. How dangerous I am."

He smiles and answers her with another question.

"Why do you keep forgiving him, the Master?"

"I don't- What?"

"It's not always black and white, Doc."

She smiles. Things aren't okay, she can't pretend they are. This is not a clean slate and not everything is fixed. She has to take care of herself, in many ways, and try not to hurt any more friends in the process. She might, though, she knows. But she'll do her best. She'll learn too. Graham offers her his hand before they enter the TARDIS together. The universe is vast and scary and perhaps her hearts are just as so.

But at least the Doctor is not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Thank you so much everyone who read, kudo-ed and commented on this story. This did grow to be a much bigger story than I'd imagined it would be when I started writing for the prompt week back in June (blame chapter 5 for that), but it was an amazing journey and I loved knowing what you guys thought of it. I hope this last chapter makes it justice. Let me know what you think, thank you for reading so far and until next time! <3

**Author's Note:**

> So, I loved the prompts for the fanzine prompt week, but I tied them all together into a single story - which obviously meant that it took me longer than I hoped to write. This story should be updated quicker than usual (for me). I hope everything makes sense and, if you liked it, hit the comments! :)


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